relapse

it's my first big relapse since we broke up.
how can you be so fine and dealing with things so well one day
and the next you want to pull out all your hair in frustration?

i was so tempted to go to his facebook page
and was literally going to the site,
but my heart was racing and i had to stop myself, go to my blog and READ all those painful accounts of heartache and heartbreak that i went through when we together.

i can tell myself that it's just because i miss our friendship (which is true)
i can tell myself that it won't do any harm just to peak at his fb or IM him
but i KNOW that it will hurt me
i know that's another step backwards
i KNOW this relapse is fueled by stress
because when times are good, he is never the first thing on my mind
i KNOW that i have to find other ways to handle this stress
because it's only going to get worse
and it's only going to get less reasonable to go to him for support

i miss him a lot.
i feel this constant lonely pang of the heart that is surprisingly powerful and overwhelming.
today i got so emotionally drained fighting myself that i eventually got physically drained
and just wanted to nap the night away
but it's just a relapse.
sometimes they have to happen
because it was an intense bond, our relationship did mean a lot to me
which means it will take that much more personal strength to pull through

i wasted too many tears on him while we were together
i didn't really cry when we broke up
and just today was one of the first times since we broke up
but i cried as release, not because of any regret
on the contrary, i dwell and obsess much less now
and i feel myself very slowly becoming the *stable* happy person i used to be
but in times of stress, it's hard to see how far i've come
i'd rather deal with this than the drama of being with him
when i got myself out of the relationship, i also freed myself of all the awkward situations that he put me in
overall, i'm happier now despite how much i miss him
i'd rather miss him now when we're broken up than miss him when we're together
i know it's natural to wonder how he is and what he's up to
but there's no point in doing that
things were good.. we were in puppy love.. a LONG time ago
things weren't good like that for a very long time
its hard to believe how much things have changed since we first go together a year ago
how elated i felt at one point and how low i fell at another
i have to accept that the change is permanent and that our lives aren't going to be intertwined like they used to be
and dealing with a loss like that is a bit daunting
it's hard to let go. of course.
but i know i will eventually
i already feel more free and eventually i'm going to feel it completely

i was just really sad today
but its all part of the process of accepting what happened and where i am now