solitude

i can finally say that almost all my focus has returned.. focus on MYSELF and my goals and my own well-being and happiness.

today was a day of quote-worthy conversations:

1. when you save your first life, no one is going to care what you scored on the MCAT. - Cynthia my verbal instructor.. no words can express how encouraging she is, and how much i look up to her!

2. breakups don't get easier, you just deal with them better - wise Ellen, HAHA

3. sometimes you're with someone for so long, you just cant imagine living with them. it's not a matter of how much you actually like or love them - boy from Eng Comp 5W


Question:
Why has Leo been popping in my dreams everynight, bawling on full blast? I dont understand why I'm having flashbacks of our breakup but according to dream dictionary, i'm feeling how i used to feel while we were together. probably the feeling of STRESS? i'm guessing it is manifesting itself in my subconscious or some psychological shit like that.. part of me thinks its also because i'm a little worried about him failing school - it's natural, i still care about him. but damn, it is freaking annoying waking up to dreams like that. every morning, my first moments of consciousness are a few confused blinks and me going "What the fuck was that?"


ANYWAY.

for all my girls who have ever gone apeshit over a guy, seriously, you can confide me because i have fuckin been there. it'd be wrong for me to judge you because there have been times where i have given up so much (or all?) of my dignity just to send some pathetic text to some pathetic boy who wasn't even all that to begin with. but in the moment, you just can't help yourself - if this has never happened to you, then congratu-fucking-lations... you've dodged it for now but it's gon' happen to you too! (lmao this is not a threat, it's a natural rite of passage to being a girl)... i have been there, when there is no power in the world that can stop you from doing something you know is wrong - because your heart is uncontrollably distraught. i have been there - the shattering betrayal that comes from a bad breakup and the intense loneliness from a mutual end. i understand - we can all relate to each other in some way about this topic - seeing each other and how we are all fine, we realize how resilient we can really be.

and to be honest, i hate showing that i am vulnerable. hell, i hate being a vulnerable, sensitive person in the first place. it's against my fuckin nature. i'm not sappy, i'm not a "damsel"... to have someone make me feel that way is ridiculous and as the weeks pass by, my heart is seriously recovering. i feel like myself - a me that i haven't been for YEARS, literally. i can't believe i'd been doing that for so long. it was rewarding in some ways because sometimes it's better to face the world as a unit - a pair. but all in all, i'm too young for such a sacrifice - i still need to experience the other side of things. sounds like my women's studies background is showing itself right now. but i'm not an angry lesbian. i promise. i know i have an inner strength that i've yet to call on because i always had a boy in its place.

i admit that sometimes i miss having a boy. mostly because *i realized this in class today* i miss the strong hands and strong arms, seriously. somehow, a strong man hand resting on my waist or man arms wrapped around me - they can offer so much comfort and support without any actual words. ok this is me reminiscing for a minute.. it's awesome ok?!... but in all seriousness, i would gladly *postpone, NOT give up* that to dedicate some time for myself.