where does it go?

i still ponder a lot - not because i want to be back in a relationship but because im trying to figure myself out. sometimes i worry that i will never make a full recovery - that my heart has gone cold with stone barriers built around it - and i worry that it will be so difficult to get me to open up again . i had a conversation with connie today - she said some wise words; she said that she doesnt want to waste her time being in a relationship knowing that it's going to end badly. looking back, i often wonder where my strength had gone. every action and decision i made reflected a conscious and subconscious understanding of how that relationship was going to play out. I never said that i loved him and i never memorized his number. i knew i would never introduce him to my parents, and i didn't incorporate him into my plans for the future. i did these things on purpose. i knew that there would be an end. i prepped myself for it, but why could i never bring myself to end it on my own? perhaps i feared the regret. perhaps i needed to know that the doubt was mutual before i could really let go and lay the relationship to rest. I watched the SATC episode where Carrie realizes that it's time to break up with Berger. She struggles so hard to make it work until Miranda tells Carrie to really think about what she wants. She's so preoccupied with making the relationship work that it doesn't occur to her that she perhaps doesn't WANT to stay with Berger in the first place. that was how i felt - why is it so hard for girls to admit the failure of a relationship? we think guys have a problem with pride, but i think girls have an incognito version of this same pride complex. by nature, we are nurturers. we hold the family together. therefore, to us, a failure of a relationship is a personal failure. for guys, i dont think it's seen the same way. if it isn't working, it isn't working - simple as that. there is no ego blow or embarrassment.

speaking of SATC, ive been rewatching the episodes like crazy. In one episode, she asks the question - when a relationship ends, where does the love go? seriously, i find myself asking myself the same question. maybe all the pain that results from a breakup is a result of wasting all that pent-up love. the strangest part of the relationship is to encounter the person who used to be on the receiving end of all that love. talk to that person months after a breakup - you realize how different it has all become. i didn't expect to be so shocked and uncomfortable with the way things now are. i thought i'd handle it much more nonchalantly - with a "whatevs" and an "eh" but it was more of a "wtf???" and "what does that mean??" - signs that even though the wound is no longer fresh, a sensitive scar still remains - i can't really be so butthurt by his decision to block communication with me once again - i mean, it really is for the best (Ellen) but yeah - where has the love gone? it's turned in awkwardness and silence. it seems like such a waste for a great friendship to be turned into one of those awkward acquaintanceships that involve that slightly comical, slightly sad "typing... typed...typing" scenarios on AIM. i dont know. where does the love go? i wonder.