update!

moved to

ericalizzle.blogspot.com


=]

the silence

i could really love you, full-force - everything on the table - if you would let me

this relationship doesn't have to be the painful, unstable, unclear one that it is right now. all the doubt i have doesnt have to be there


tell me if i'm wrong but i can see in your eyes and i can feel from your touch that i'm a significant person in your life.if you would open yourself up and speak from your heart, then my wall would go down too.

this relationship is stuck because i can never tell how you feel about me. i can never make a sound judgment about where i stand in your heart. i'm tired of guessing, hoping, and depending on my own instincts. my instincts tell me that we should be together but your silence makes me doubt my confidence. the silence speaks for itself -- am i wrong?

sometimes i feel like you are two people. one side is willing to show his vulnerable side and be the boyfriend that i need, and the other side tries to save face, who won't kiss me or hold my hand at a party - all for what reason? to prove what? you really are two people. i dont know if i can deal with it. there is a stark difference between the leo who holds me in his arms and the leo the frat boy -- it confuses me and pushes me away. i can't tell which one is the real one. your passion for your fraternity is almost inspiring - until i realize that you don't have the same passion for me - and then it becomes devastating.

i don't want to waste these precious years of my life on you if it's going to be this way. i am more than willing to work on this relationship and grow it to its full potential. i wouldn't have let you back in if i wasn't. but i'm also willing to walk away from this if the silence if going to continue.

where does it go?

i still ponder a lot - not because i want to be back in a relationship but because im trying to figure myself out. sometimes i worry that i will never make a full recovery - that my heart has gone cold with stone barriers built around it - and i worry that it will be so difficult to get me to open up again . i had a conversation with connie today - she said some wise words; she said that she doesnt want to waste her time being in a relationship knowing that it's going to end badly. looking back, i often wonder where my strength had gone. every action and decision i made reflected a conscious and subconscious understanding of how that relationship was going to play out. I never said that i loved him and i never memorized his number. i knew i would never introduce him to my parents, and i didn't incorporate him into my plans for the future. i did these things on purpose. i knew that there would be an end. i prepped myself for it, but why could i never bring myself to end it on my own? perhaps i feared the regret. perhaps i needed to know that the doubt was mutual before i could really let go and lay the relationship to rest. I watched the SATC episode where Carrie realizes that it's time to break up with Berger. She struggles so hard to make it work until Miranda tells Carrie to really think about what she wants. She's so preoccupied with making the relationship work that it doesn't occur to her that she perhaps doesn't WANT to stay with Berger in the first place. that was how i felt - why is it so hard for girls to admit the failure of a relationship? we think guys have a problem with pride, but i think girls have an incognito version of this same pride complex. by nature, we are nurturers. we hold the family together. therefore, to us, a failure of a relationship is a personal failure. for guys, i dont think it's seen the same way. if it isn't working, it isn't working - simple as that. there is no ego blow or embarrassment.

speaking of SATC, ive been rewatching the episodes like crazy. In one episode, she asks the question - when a relationship ends, where does the love go? seriously, i find myself asking myself the same question. maybe all the pain that results from a breakup is a result of wasting all that pent-up love. the strangest part of the relationship is to encounter the person who used to be on the receiving end of all that love. talk to that person months after a breakup - you realize how different it has all become. i didn't expect to be so shocked and uncomfortable with the way things now are. i thought i'd handle it much more nonchalantly - with a "whatevs" and an "eh" but it was more of a "wtf???" and "what does that mean??" - signs that even though the wound is no longer fresh, a sensitive scar still remains - i can't really be so butthurt by his decision to block communication with me once again - i mean, it really is for the best (Ellen) but yeah - where has the love gone? it's turned in awkwardness and silence. it seems like such a waste for a great friendship to be turned into one of those awkward acquaintanceships that involve that slightly comical, slightly sad "typing... typed...typing" scenarios on AIM. i dont know. where does the love go? i wonder.

solitude

i can finally say that almost all my focus has returned.. focus on MYSELF and my goals and my own well-being and happiness.

today was a day of quote-worthy conversations:

1. when you save your first life, no one is going to care what you scored on the MCAT. - Cynthia my verbal instructor.. no words can express how encouraging she is, and how much i look up to her!

2. breakups don't get easier, you just deal with them better - wise Ellen, HAHA

3. sometimes you're with someone for so long, you just cant imagine living with them. it's not a matter of how much you actually like or love them - boy from Eng Comp 5W


Question:
Why has Leo been popping in my dreams everynight, bawling on full blast? I dont understand why I'm having flashbacks of our breakup but according to dream dictionary, i'm feeling how i used to feel while we were together. probably the feeling of STRESS? i'm guessing it is manifesting itself in my subconscious or some psychological shit like that.. part of me thinks its also because i'm a little worried about him failing school - it's natural, i still care about him. but damn, it is freaking annoying waking up to dreams like that. every morning, my first moments of consciousness are a few confused blinks and me going "What the fuck was that?"


ANYWAY.

for all my girls who have ever gone apeshit over a guy, seriously, you can confide me because i have fuckin been there. it'd be wrong for me to judge you because there have been times where i have given up so much (or all?) of my dignity just to send some pathetic text to some pathetic boy who wasn't even all that to begin with. but in the moment, you just can't help yourself - if this has never happened to you, then congratu-fucking-lations... you've dodged it for now but it's gon' happen to you too! (lmao this is not a threat, it's a natural rite of passage to being a girl)... i have been there, when there is no power in the world that can stop you from doing something you know is wrong - because your heart is uncontrollably distraught. i have been there - the shattering betrayal that comes from a bad breakup and the intense loneliness from a mutual end. i understand - we can all relate to each other in some way about this topic - seeing each other and how we are all fine, we realize how resilient we can really be.

and to be honest, i hate showing that i am vulnerable. hell, i hate being a vulnerable, sensitive person in the first place. it's against my fuckin nature. i'm not sappy, i'm not a "damsel"... to have someone make me feel that way is ridiculous and as the weeks pass by, my heart is seriously recovering. i feel like myself - a me that i haven't been for YEARS, literally. i can't believe i'd been doing that for so long. it was rewarding in some ways because sometimes it's better to face the world as a unit - a pair. but all in all, i'm too young for such a sacrifice - i still need to experience the other side of things. sounds like my women's studies background is showing itself right now. but i'm not an angry lesbian. i promise. i know i have an inner strength that i've yet to call on because i always had a boy in its place.

i admit that sometimes i miss having a boy. mostly because *i realized this in class today* i miss the strong hands and strong arms, seriously. somehow, a strong man hand resting on my waist or man arms wrapped around me - they can offer so much comfort and support without any actual words. ok this is me reminiscing for a minute.. it's awesome ok?!... but in all seriousness, i would gladly *postpone, NOT give up* that to dedicate some time for myself.

relapse

it's my first big relapse since we broke up.
how can you be so fine and dealing with things so well one day
and the next you want to pull out all your hair in frustration?

i was so tempted to go to his facebook page
and was literally going to the site,
but my heart was racing and i had to stop myself, go to my blog and READ all those painful accounts of heartache and heartbreak that i went through when we together.

i can tell myself that it's just because i miss our friendship (which is true)
i can tell myself that it won't do any harm just to peak at his fb or IM him
but i KNOW that it will hurt me
i know that's another step backwards
i KNOW this relapse is fueled by stress
because when times are good, he is never the first thing on my mind
i KNOW that i have to find other ways to handle this stress
because it's only going to get worse
and it's only going to get less reasonable to go to him for support

i miss him a lot.
i feel this constant lonely pang of the heart that is surprisingly powerful and overwhelming.
today i got so emotionally drained fighting myself that i eventually got physically drained
and just wanted to nap the night away
but it's just a relapse.
sometimes they have to happen
because it was an intense bond, our relationship did mean a lot to me
which means it will take that much more personal strength to pull through

i wasted too many tears on him while we were together
i didn't really cry when we broke up
and just today was one of the first times since we broke up
but i cried as release, not because of any regret
on the contrary, i dwell and obsess much less now
and i feel myself very slowly becoming the *stable* happy person i used to be
but in times of stress, it's hard to see how far i've come
i'd rather deal with this than the drama of being with him
when i got myself out of the relationship, i also freed myself of all the awkward situations that he put me in
overall, i'm happier now despite how much i miss him
i'd rather miss him now when we're broken up than miss him when we're together
i know it's natural to wonder how he is and what he's up to
but there's no point in doing that
things were good.. we were in puppy love.. a LONG time ago
things weren't good like that for a very long time
its hard to believe how much things have changed since we first go together a year ago
how elated i felt at one point and how low i fell at another
i have to accept that the change is permanent and that our lives aren't going to be intertwined like they used to be
and dealing with a loss like that is a bit daunting
it's hard to let go. of course.
but i know i will eventually
i already feel more free and eventually i'm going to feel it completely

i was just really sad today
but its all part of the process of accepting what happened and where i am now

I

i just felt like my old blog was an old chapter of my life ~ time to start a new one!